I’m Sorry

I know this is no excuse but between schoolwork, having my gallbladder removed, losing both of my jobs and a recent development, I have not been posting as I would like. This is not a rant or a plea for pity and I can not emphasize that point enough. I am going to use this to simply let people know what has been going on and to more or less get some things off my chest. Here we go.

Back in early January I broke down and had to have my gallbladder removed but due to complications with getting my doctor to sign off on my return to work and the company I was working for turning down every leave request I submitted, I lost both of my jobs but I have a bonus. As a disabled veteran, I get a monthly check and while I am enrolled in school through the VA’s Vocational Rehabilitation Program, also known as chapter 31, I get additional money attached to my disability so while I am not rich, I get enough to, with careful budgeting, survive. Now this money flows steadily in except for summer and the break in semesters between fall and spring.

My last grandmother passed away last October which was hard but then my last grandfather passed away in March and he did so with a rather negative impression of me. When I moved from Florida to Ohio, he had given my wife at the time a check to help us move, a check I was unaware of so we never sent him the simple thing he wanted – a ‘thank you’ note. A short time after this my brother had his first child, my niece whom I may not meet for quite awhile due to his rather negative feelings towards me. My real mother was an extremely abusive woman who had a drug addiction problem.She would often beat me bloody or until I fell unconscious. I can’t recall how many times I woke up with my bed sheets stuck to my body due to coagulated blood. I took many beatings for my brother because I HAD to protect him but once we were free of her and living with our father and stepmother and I entered my teenage years, I distanced myself from him. As of yet have not really bonded with him. My father started showing very classic symptoms of lung cancer a few months ago and it has been diagnosed – Stage IV with metastases to both lungs, his brain and his bones, the same way his father went. As I sit here at 35 watching this once vital man who refused to give in to anything, a true pillar of strength not even know who he is, I cant help but feel like I am losing my father twice.  Its one thing to watch a vital man lose that strength and become a shell but to see his mind slip away also is nearly unbearable. I am hoping to go and see him in August for what I hope isn’t the last time.

You know its weird to say but these days I wish more and more that I had died in Iraq. I am not even 40 and am running dangerously low on family. I have pushed the fall and spring semesters coming up as much as I possibly could in some vain hope that my father will get to see me graduate with my Bachelors degree. I am taking 6 courses in the fall and 5 in the spring as well as a full load over the summer so for those doing the math, that is 15 courses over the year where most student take 8. But I need money so it has been back to the job hunt. I have had 2 very positive interviews for jobs that would start off at 30k+ per year but in 2 weeks have not heard a peep from either of them.But I must admit that while I suffered from very severe case of strep throat a few weeks ago, most things are not going badly for me. I have an amazing woman in my life who has been supporting me in more ways than I deserve but I still don’t know how to handle all this, hell in truth I am not sure how I am supposed to feel to begin with. I don’t want to be a “poor me” guy. If you know me you know I can’t be that person but who should I be? Who can I be? Why isn’t there a manual for this shit?! I guess I will just keep burying myself in my schoolwork until I know more or am ready to deal with this. I hope you, my friends and readers, will forgive my lack of postings and if you are a spiritual or religious person, please keep my father in your prayers. They may be a futile effort but it provides comfort to my soul knowing that people who will probably never know my father will care enough to, for a second in their busy day, think of him.Thank you all.

 

The Truth

A single tear drops from my eye,
The pain too much to bear,
Remembering,reliving all my pain, death and despair.

I’ve had some golden times for sure,
My moments in the sun,
But all too swiftly they rush away,
Their joy quickly undone.

Storm clouds settle and raindrops fall,
Oceans from above,
The rumbles and wails cut through the sky,
Silencing those who proclaim love.

I realize though,
These silent storms,
Are not what I perceive,
I look around at golden sun,
The storm is within me.

How to cope with loss of life,
Of love and hopes and dreams,
A question simple,an answer complex.
Whose truth still eludes me.

 

Hey McDonald’s!

So I have been reading a lot of negative things about this company but I am going to address something as a person. I ordered a hamburger from this company for the first time in months yesterday. As a former restaurant professional I am very familiar with food and I must say that whatever it is they make their burgers out of it isn’t true meat. What I mean is this: I believe it is made from cow but most likely it is a majority of visceral remains and not meat from muscle tissue. It was just disgusting. Here’s a tip for you as a company, if you want me to believe that this is really meat maybe you could find a way to make it taste like meat with an actual meat like texture. Just a suggestion.

 

Am I too old for this?

I am 35 years old, for now…By the time I was 30 I had already been married and was on my way to divorce. I had a career that was going well even though without a college education it was limited. I have children who are my motivation for doing everything. Here I sit now, about a year away from getting my bachelor’s degree but in reality I see now that I am starting over. Not just career wise but in life at general. I now have an amazing girlfriend who is beyond supportive. I am on the threshold of starting a new career. I realize however that I am most likely one of the older people doing this. Am I too old to start over and be relevant? Am I just fooling myself here? I don’t believe I am but I have been wrong before.

 

Somewhere over the rainbow…..or under it.

As a child I was taught that at the end of the rainbow there was a pot of gold, but what if there is no pot of gold for some of us? I mean it seems like a depressing concept but let’s be honest, if “EVERYONE” got the happy ending it would lose meaning, it wouldn’t be a poignant ending to movies and stories and we certainly wouldn’t be drawn to fairy tales. Maybe I am one destined for the army of the gold less and if that is to be my fate, then I will rejoice in the times I saw the rainbow, I will lament it’s loss but it will also make the story of those who get their gold much more important. To all those out there who have the gold, I salute you and hope you enjoy and hold onto it and to those like me, enjoy their success and strive for your own.

 

Ouch

So I had my gallbladder removed yesterday, my first real surgery ever. Now, I knew there would be associated pain and I know that this is only temporary, but I must say ” OUCH!! ” I truly feel as though I stopped a speeding car using only my abdomen. That is all, carry on.

 

Me

A man alone
In a ramshackle home
It may not be much
But he makes it his own

The meals he makes
Small, bland and  alone
May not taste great
But they are his own

The cash in his pocket
Not large in its sum
Not enough for all
But plenty for this one

While he longs for another
And the job is not done
He feels that she loves him
Even makes him her “ONE”

He loves her completely
She knows this is true
And if she agrees
He would make her his “TWO”

 

F$ck A Duck?

What an interesting saying, but what does it imply about the “manhood” of the man who says it? I would choose a goose anyway, aren’t they the more attractive water fowl?

 

Merry Happy Hanukwanzaalightedmas

I am writing this post to wish you all a happy holiday season. I do personally believe that the largest reason for this holiday season is Christmas and Hanukkah but I understand that some people feel alienated and segregated if they do not have a conventional reason for this season. So out of my feelings of joy and well wishes for all I have created a new blessing –  Merry Happy Hanukwanzaalightedmas!! That way, no one has a reason to feel excluded. No matter the reason you celebrate this season, I wish you all the most joyous time with your family and friends and may we all live to enjoy the  coming new year and all the joys, triumphs, successes and failures it brings with it. Much love from me Gray Trimant.

 

Umm…

It is the greedy hand that feeds but one mouth while the giving hand feeds many.
The angry hand hurts while the kind hand heals all hurt.