I’m Sorry

I know this is no excuse but between schoolwork, having my gallbladder removed, losing both of my jobs and a recent development, I have not been posting as I would like. This is not a rant or a plea for pity and I can not emphasize that point enough. I am going to use this to simply let people know what has been going on and to more or less get some things off my chest. Here we go.

Back in early January I broke down and had to have my gallbladder removed but due to complications with getting my doctor to sign off on my return to work and the company I was working for turning down every leave request I submitted, I lost both of my jobs but I have a bonus. As a disabled veteran, I get a monthly check and while I am enrolled in school through the VA’s Vocational Rehabilitation Program, also known as chapter 31, I get additional money attached to my disability so while I am not rich, I get enough to, with careful budgeting, survive. Now this money flows steadily in except for summer and the break in semesters between fall and spring.

My last grandmother passed away last October which was hard but then my last grandfather passed away in March and he did so with a rather negative impression of me. When I moved from Florida to Ohio, he had given my wife at the time a check to help us move, a check I was unaware of so we never sent him the simple thing he wanted – a ‘thank you’ note. A short time after this my brother had his first child, my niece whom I may not meet for quite awhile due to his rather negative feelings towards me. My real mother was an extremely abusive woman who had a drug addiction problem.She would often beat me bloody or until I fell unconscious. I can’t recall how many times I woke up with my bed sheets stuck to my body due to coagulated blood. I took many beatings for my brother because I HAD to protect him but once we were free of her and living with our father and stepmother and I entered my teenage years, I distanced myself from him. As of yet have not really bonded with him. My father started showing very classic symptoms of lung cancer a few months ago and it has been diagnosed – Stage IV with metastases to both lungs, his brain and his bones, the same way his father went. As I sit here at 35 watching this once vital man who refused to give in to anything, a true pillar of strength not even know who he is, I cant help but feel like I am losing my father twice.  Its one thing to watch a vital man lose that strength and become a shell but to see his mind slip away also is nearly unbearable. I am hoping to go and see him in August for what I hope isn’t the last time.

You know its weird to say but these days I wish more and more that I had died in Iraq. I am not even 40 and am running dangerously low on family. I have pushed the fall and spring semesters coming up as much as I possibly could in some vain hope that my father will get to see me graduate with my Bachelors degree. I am taking 6 courses in the fall and 5 in the spring as well as a full load over the summer so for those doing the math, that is 15 courses over the year where most student take 8. But I need money so it has been back to the job hunt. I have had 2 very positive interviews for jobs that would start off at 30k+ per year but in 2 weeks have not heard a peep from either of them.But I must admit that while I suffered from very severe case of strep throat a few weeks ago, most things are not going badly for me. I have an amazing woman in my life who has been supporting me in more ways than I deserve but I still don’t know how to handle all this, hell in truth I am not sure how I am supposed to feel to begin with. I don’t want to be a “poor me” guy. If you know me you know I can’t be that person but who should I be? Who can I be? Why isn’t there a manual for this shit?! I guess I will just keep burying myself in my schoolwork until I know more or am ready to deal with this. I hope you, my friends and readers, will forgive my lack of postings and if you are a spiritual or religious person, please keep my father in your prayers. They may be a futile effort but it provides comfort to my soul knowing that people who will probably never know my father will care enough to, for a second in their busy day, think of him.Thank you all.